Saturday, May 6, 2017

In Defense of Secrecy

Reading a fun book called Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. The subject being among other things longevity and immortality, which if you know me based on my writings here, is right up my alley.

Anyway, I found this fun passage to quote, which seems in my mind to be a pretty good defense of secrecy, of why some things shouldn't be open source and freely available to any fool who lacks the wisdom and integrity to properly understand and apply what they learn in the way that it was intended. Doing so opens the doors of such wisdom being misused and abused in such a way that it no longer resembles wisdom.

From Jitterbug Perfume:

"Those who possess wisdom cannot just ladle it out to every wantwit and jackanapes who comes along and asks for it. A person must be prepared to receive wisdom, or else it will do him more harm than good. Moreover, a lout thrashing about in the clear waters of wisdom will dirty those waters for everyone else. So, a man seeking knowledge must be first tested to determine if he is worthy. From what I have gathered, rudeness on the part of the master is the first phase of the test.

"You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, than he may deem you fit to hear his views of things?

"Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, if your are polite where is uncouth, then he will recognize you as potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, and you may feel free to kick his ass."

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Health Update April 2017

Back to the land of the living. Well, getting there day by day at least. Just getting over a very bad respiratory infection. Had a very rough past three weeks, it was so bad at one point that I almost went to urgent care. But the worse appears to be over now. My life saver has been eucalyptus oil and various concoctions of herbal tea, the best so far being Traditional Medicinals Throat Coat Tea. Have to stock up on that. I have a job that requires me to speak on the phone my entire shift, so it can be quite taxing on the throat.

There are two main factors that I think contributed to my illness:

One, it's been unusually windy here the past few weeks, and I ride my bike 50 miles a week, and I know I picked up something in that wind because that's when I first started feeling sick on my bike ride to work during a dust storm. I now always ride with a dust mask on windy days, which for now I've improvised using a wet bandana. I'm using a white bandana which I hope will make me look less like a bandito. It's been a life saver, and the temperatures being really hot already, we're talking upper nineties, the wet bandana helps cool me down some too.

Two, the other factor that I feel contributed to my illness is that I let my weight drop too low. You see I'm burning so many calories that if I skip a meal I lose weight really fast. For my height I feel best being around 120 pounds, but I dropped down to 105, and that is I believe when all my troubles started. I read that recently having too low of a body mass index makes a person more susceptible to respiratory diseases such as asthma and pneumonia. So I've been forcing myself to eat, I start the day with a banana and protein powder shake, make sure I always eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, and have snacks in between. I'm also no longer a vegetarian. I may go back that way again, but for now I feel that I need to eat meat, though mostly it's just chicken and fish, and the occasional burger, but overall I don't eat that much meat, maybe only three times a week. I want to be clear that I do not feel that eating meat is necessary for a person to be healthy, but lately I have been enjoying the taste of it, and enjoying the flavor of food is critical to making sure that I get enough to eat and do not skip meals.

But the important thing is that I can't ever let my weight fall below 110 pounds again, because I think it made me sickly. Oh yeah, and also because of my health scare, I've also started taking vitamin supplements again, mostly B-Complex and Vitamin C. I don't know if it's done any good, I've heard pros and cons for and against it, but I feel at this point it can't hurt.

I've also cut back on the beer drinking, just can't hold my liquor like I used to, I get a hangover from 3 beers, so pretty much two beers is my limit now. And yes I drink them everyday, which according to the Mayo clinic is still too much, they say I should drink no more than 7 drinks a week. Well, I may get there eventually, but I really love having my two beers after a long day. I don't consider that excessive and especially if I keep my weight up and keep taking my vitamins I think I should be okay.

As far as exercise, I'm back to doing pullups. I hadn't done them at all for years because I haven't had access to a pull up bar or a tree branch. Well I decided to go ahead and buy a door frame mounted pull up bar so I can do them whenever I feel like it. Best 20 bucks I ever spent. When I first started, I could barely do one. Now I'm up to six. And feeling significantly stronger as a result. It's a great workout, much better than lifting free weights, it's like a whole upper body workout, more balanced than lifting weights that only exercise one or two muscles at a time.

Haven't been doing any walking. Instead I ride my bike everywhere. The library, the grocery store, the bank, the post office, my job. I ride my bike about 50 miles a week. Would like to get back into running, would be happy running 3 miles regularly, but every time I start any kind of running routine it always seems to make my sinus problems worse, but we'll see what happens, as I keep getting healthier in other ways maybe I'll be able to handle the running.

As far as education. I'm back to taking a mathematics refresher course. It's amazing that a person can be a high school graduate and yet be only at a 5th grade math level. Well, it is what it is. I saw the problem and sought to do something about it and I did. I have since graduated the 5th grade and am now in 7th grade and moving at a rapid pace. Maybe in another year I'll be ready for college. Yeah, I've made it my goal to get through all the math lessons at Khan Academy. I do a few lessons every morning and it feels like I'm accomplishing something real. Probably the most practical real world benefit I obtained thus far from it is the ability to figure out percentages rapidly in my head.

Haven't been reading much at all. Just mostly reference material. For instance, I've had a lot of fun perusing the 2017 World Almanac, it's a great inspiration, great food for thought. As far as books I've read in their entirety I've only read one book this year, and it wasn't even that good, just so so, it was an anti-socialism book. And I'll leave it at that. That's way below my previous years average, where I used to read 50 books a year, mostly non-fiction, and some massive 1000 plus page classics too. Just haven't been in the mood. Haven't had the patience, haven't had the time.

Been working so much, only part-time for my day job, but also doing some work at home stuff that is sometimes more lucrative than my day job, and between the two I'm easily working 40 plus hours a week. It's a big change. I've sort of been slacking off the last ten years. Well now I have no more free passes, I'm entirely on my own now, and no one will help me if I get into trouble. If I lose my job and run out of money, I will get evicted and become homeless. There is absolutely no one that would help me now. No one.

So that's a huge source of stress. Usually people have someone. There parents. A sibling. A relative. A friend. Nope. I've got no one. It's all on me now, I can't afford to mess up. It's all about the money right now. Building a nest egg. Financial security. Once I have that I can go back to the dreams, the philosophy, the poetry.

I wonder what I will do with this blog. I guess for now I will use it for whatever. Eventually it will become something... different, but for now it is what it is.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Strange Dream

I've sometimes used this space to record my dreams, usually ones that stood out as being exceptional, powerful, or personally meaningful in some way. So I feel I must record the dream I had last night. It's short, but powerful.

You see my grandmother died last May, and it was completely unexpected. She was 89 years old and seemed perfectly healthy, looked younger, was of sound mind, but then she had a stroke, which completely destroyed her, and she died seven weeks later.

I've had a few dreams of her. But last nights dream stood out the most powerful to me.

In the dream I was going to the public library to print out a copy of my grandmothers obituary. It was strange because this particular library usually has about 30 public computers, which are connected to a printing station, but when I got there there was only about ten, with empty spaces where the computers should have been. There were different security guards too, and I approached one and asked about what had happened to the computers and they said they had some kind of power outage and those computers were damaged as a result and were being repaired.

So anyway, I log into one of the few remaining computers and proceed to print out my grandmothers obituary, two copies. The picture was different than the actual, but I won't elaborate. So then I go outside, and parked outside of the library I see my grandmother sitting in the driver's seat of her car waiting to give me a lift. Yes, the very same person whose obituary I held in my hand was alive and well waiting to give me a ride. I get into the car, and for some strange reason didn't get the connection that this was a peculiar event. It was like I instantly forgot what had happened. Forgot that my grandmother had died. Forgot that I had printed out her obituary. Forget that I was holding the obituary in my hand of the person who was offering me a ride. It was just like complete amnesia.

So I go for the ride with my grandmother, heading towards the last place she lived when she died, but somehow ended up back in my hometown, down a popular drive beside a wooded park. I won't elaborate. At some point we got out of the car to take a walk. My grandmother trips and falls. Her glasses fall off her face. I help her up, she's okay. Just happy to be with her. And then I wake up.

That's it. That's all I remember. Pretty strange. Think about it, someone you know who died. You're printing out a copy of their obituary, and then when you're done that same person who died, who is written about in the obituary you hold in your hand, is waiting for you outside to give you a lift.

Sounds like an episode of the twilight zone, right, but for me it really happened. Well it happened in my dreams, however real that is. Probably about as a real as the life you lived, once you are dead. Yeah. That's when reality crumbles away, if mind survives death, what than is real? It's a huge mystery, the mystery of death, of the possibility of life after death. It's the greatest mystery ever.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Getting Tough


So, as I mentioned in my previous post, I had a little bit of trouble with somebody messing with my bike, breaking off my bicycle computer when it was left outside at work, and since that incident I have been extremely worried that my bicycle would be stolen.

You see, I commute to work everyday, and the bicycle is left outside for hours, and realized that if I want to continue this setup I needed a better lock. I thought I had a good lock, and it's not a bad lock by any means, but I needed the best. So I went ahead and purchased the New York Fahgettaboudit mini U-lock by Kryptonite. It's the best U-lock they sell, and retails for over a hundred bucks.

I'm very happy with it. It gives me tremendous peace of mind. Even though at the same time I am dismayed that, yes, any lock can be defeated if a person has the right tools and enough time, but this one at least will protect against the most common methods, namely bolt cutters and leverage attacks, and so I feel much more comfortable than I did before.



I use the new lock for the rear wheel, Sheldon Brown style, which is you lock the U-lock to the rear wheel and object your locking it to, as opposed locking it to both the frame, the wheel, and the object, simply because it's not big enough for that, which is also one of its strong points. As long as it's positioned between the frame's rear triangle it is impossible to remove the rear wheel from the frame without destroying the wheel in the process.

For additional peace of mind I use a second U-lock, my old one, for the front wheel and frame, locking that too to a fixed object, as well as an additional cable lock for my rear rack.

I'm very happy with the setup. Hopefully, my bicycle will be safe for years to come, and won't encounter any more problems with anyone messing with my bike while I'm at work.

Monday, February 6, 2017

When the Darkness Clears


Been riding my bike everyday for months now. It is now my primary mode of transportation. I used to be a very avid walker, I've written about it here, but now I ride more than I walk.

There are a lot of reasons for it. Mostly because I love to ride. I love the freedom of being outside, the freedom of the open road, being completely self-powered and self-contained, and not contributing any pollution. I hate being in confined spaces. And I absolutely hate riding the city bus. But I also love saving money, and walking is too slow. Therefore, a bicycle is the perfect fit for me.

For the first time in my life I am now a full-time bicycle commuter. I average about 50 miles a week. And that's not for recreation, that's entirely commuting to work and running errands. I ride my bike every single day of the year, rain or shine, daytime and nighttime, in temperatures below freezing and temperature way above 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

I've been a cyclist all my life, but until recently it was mostly just for recreation, as I usually walked or took the bus to work and school, never road the bike more than maybe a few times for those purposes, but now I do it every day, and have no plans of stopping. Been doing it for six months now and so I've been putting a lot more wear and tear on my bike. Finally reached the 3000 mile mark on my odometer, which means 3000 miles on both my chain and tires, and so finally retired them. Got new ones, new chain, new tires, and installed them myself. It was the first time I ever replaced my own chain. Was quite the adventure, thank goodness for YouTube! Because I would have been lost otherwise.

Very happy with my bike. The original tires were Continental Top Touring 2000, only got one flat tire, and that wasn't until 2000 miles. Wonderful tires, but they stopped making that particular model, so this time after careful research went with the Schwalbe Marathon tires, which are supposed to be the best, virtually puncture proof, but got a flat tire the first 20 miles. Can you believe it? Well to be fair, it was a long screw, and the conditions were wet, and think it probably would have caused a flat tire no matter what kind of tire you were using. It was just bad luck, happened on the way to work too, so that sucked. But fortunately was only about a half a mile away, so just walked it, and fixed it after work. Nothing like fixing a flat tire in the dark on a cold rainy night, with a mini pump that I soon learned couldn't reach the high pressure my tires needed. Still it got me home, and I quickly ordered a new pump, a Topeak road morph with built in pressure gauge. Haven't had to use it yet for an actual new tube replacement, but tested it out, and is at least better than the other one. I also never leave home without two spare tubes, not just one, like I used to, because there's nothing worse than being stranded in the dark on a cold and rainy night miles away from home all because you forgot to pack a spare tube. How about fixing a flat tire, but getting another flat, but not having another spare? Not something I want to experience. That's why it pays to be prepared.

Oh yeah, I almost forget. Since I got new tires, which I installed around January 1st, I also replaced my cycling computer/odometer with an inexpensive Cat Eye one. My old one still worked, but the mounting hardware was falling apart, held together by Gorilla Tape, so I figured it would be fun to start out with a clean slate of zero miles for my new tires and chain.

Well guess what, everything was going smoothly until last night some piece of shit stole it off of my bike, by forcibly breaking it off. But see the computer is no good without the sensors, which they left on the bike, the only thing its good for without it is a clock. So it was completely a senseless act of destruction. Either the idiot didn't know that the computer was useless without the sensors, or it was not so much an act of theft, but an act of vandalism. Now I'm worried the piece of shit is targeting my bike, and is going to try to steal it too, so am now going to carry two u-locks, instead of just one.

I do lock my bike very well, use three locks, a cable for my rear rack and frame, a good u-lock for my frame and rear wheel, but only used a cable for my front tire, now I'm worried they may cut that to steal the front wheel, so like I said now I'm going to have to bring a second u-lock. My secondary u-lock isn't as good as my primary one, but it's better than the cable. But will plan on investing in a more expensive second lock within the next few weeks. I'm leaning towards a Kryptonite Mini Evolution to be used strictly as secondary security to lock the front wheel to frame. My bike isn't even that valuable, it's almost 15 years old now, but I've kept it in really good condition, and except for a few scratches, and sloppy touch-ups using blue nail polish that doesn't quite match, it looks almost like new. So people that don't know, such as the piece of shits that steal a cycling computer that they've made unusable by destroying the mount and not taking the sensors, may assume it's more valuable than it actually is.

Anyway, despite the minor setback, all is well. As in all things I've complained about and lamented about over the years, both here and elsewhere, I feel that all the hardships I've endured have only made me stronger. As they say, all life is a school, you learn just as much from the good times as you learn from the bad times, and sometimes it seems like the worst of times are actually the most educational, but no matter how bad things seem to get, if you get through it in one piece, things are bound to get better in time. If nothing else maybe you'll see that you've gained the perspective of what it means to feel tragedy and what it means to feel hope materialized into the reality of prosperity and peace, and you realize that no matter how bad things had been, and still can be, when the darkness clears you'll see that once again all is well.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust


Here lies two souls no longer among us in their physical form as we once new them. Here's my cat, at around 15 years old, approximately one month before he died, and about a month after my grandma died. And here's my grandma, 89 years old, her cremains in a box within the purple bag behind my cat.

My cat gravitated to that spot, don't know if he sensed her remains were there, or not, but they were good buddies, and he'd often sit beside her behind the sofa, her head behind him just like this in a similar position to the purple bag that contains her ashes.

I think her death, and the trauma of moving abruptly to unfamiliar surroundings, twice within a couple of weeks, helped to do him in. I thought he'd live to be 30, just as I thought my grandma would live to be 100, but it was not to be.

What did I learn from the whole ordeal? Well, I'm definitely still processing it. It wounded me to a significant extent, and it will probably be quite some time before I'm fully healed, if ever. It was definitely a life changing experience, and will most likely never be the same.

I learned a lot about the devastating effects of stroke, that some people don't get better, they get progressively worse,  and that when a person loses the ability to swallow, their not going to be around much longer.

I also learned that having high blood sugar and high blood pressure make you more likely to have a stroke. I learned to pay closer attention to the sodium content of foods. Like for instance, before when reading the nutrition labels of food, I focused mostly on calories and fat and sugar, and totally overlooked the sodium content.

I knew that canned foods, ramen noodles and microwave dinners are notorious for being high sodium, but I didn't realize that there are many foods that are high in sodium that I never would have suspected. For instance, two staples of my diet turned out to be sort of high sodium, which is burritos and pasta sauce. But at the same time, even though flour tortillas and pasta sauce are typically high sodium items, there is a big difference between brands, some being a couple hundred milligrams of sodium less than the other, so it pays to compare labels.

You've got to watch out for those hidden sources of sodium, because a lot of products advertise that they are low calorie, low fat, low sugar, but if you don't read the fine print you might miss the fact that the sodium content may be actually extremely high. Making it not as healthy of a choice than you originally may have been lead to believe.

I also learned that stress can be a major contributor to high blood pressure.

I saw and experienced first hand how being extremely stressed out, angry and upset, crying, worrying, raises blood pressure. I believe that was a significant factor in my grandmothers decline. And I could see that if I don't get a handle on managing my stress better I too will surely develop problems in spite of doing most everything else right. I could be extremely fit, living a very active lifestyle, eating healthfully, getting plenty of fresh air and sunshine, but if I'm stressed out more often than not, I too could have a stroke.

I learned something about what causes death, but I still am processing the meaning of death. The way I see it, death is the greatest mystery. I've seen it up close and personal this time, more personal than I've ever experienced it before, and I still don't understand it any better. If anything, the mystery is even more mysterious, to see someone I cared for immensely completely disappear off of the face of the earth. To be here one day, and then gone the next, and never to be seen again as long as I walk this earth.

Though I do believe in reincarnation, I am not absolutely certain I will see my grandmother again, or anyone I know in this present life once they or I die. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around it, the more I think about it it doesn't really make any sense, it's like an unsolvable cosmic riddle, and I suppose that is something I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Tribal Mask Inspiration


I found this beetle walking around outside the front door of my new apartment in late June during the monsoon season. Haven't seen anything like it since, but it sure caught my eye. It still does.

The pattern on its body reminds me of some kind of tribal mask, from either Polynesia or Africa. I'm seeing a little bit of a Tiki head sculpture in it too. I'm thinking their tribal masks were probably inspired by something like this.

It's pretty cool. If you happen to know the name of this beetle please add it in the comments, I'd sure appreciate it.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

August Update

It's the last day of the month, and it's been over two months since my last update. Things have been hard. I lost my grandmother and never fully realized just how much she meant to me until she was gone. I experienced extreme sadness and anger, went from crying nearly everyday, sometimes spontaneously out in public when I saw someone who reminded me of her, to completely disowning and wishing certain family members dead who I feel played a major role in her demise.

But life goes on, I lost my grandmother three months ago, and also my beautiful black cat of 15 years died last month, exactly two months and one day to the day after my grandma, and that was very sad as well, but after all the chaos and uncertainty, once again I have finally reached a period of stability in my life.

I am no longer crying, no longer feeling angry with my relatives, and am no longer facing homelessness. I found a good paying job. I have an apartment in my own name. It's true I don't have any substantial savings, but I'm making enough to fully support myself, and my long-term career prospects are looking good. The only thing is I don't yet have internet service at home, but hope to get that set up within the next couple of months, maybe in time for Halloween. So I won't have much of an opportunity to post here until then. But just wanted to give this update to let you all know that I'm still alive and still planning on blogging here and hope to resume posting regularly again just as soon as time permits.

That is all. Thank you for reading. Have a nice day.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Life in Limbo

This is where I lived for two weeks, downtown with the wicked witch of the Southwest.




All three pictures were taken from the balcony, this was the view I saw everyday from the seventh floor. Those are government buildings. And the one in the back is the tallest building in the city, at I think 27 stories.



I thought I would be here longer, but as fate had it, it was not to be. Just as I was rushed out of my previous residence, being told one day that I had at least a month to clear everything out, and then finding out I only had five days, I thought I had two months with my aunt, but that two months turned into two weeks because "I was interfering with her creativity". Well, that's okay because during those two weeks all I heard was constant bragging of her own and her children's accomplishments, and nothing but criticism of my own, of my supposed lack of intelligence and insight, and worst of all my own lack of a clear plan, of not having a more substantial savings to see me through this type of emergency, something she was sure to make clear that her own children would never be guilty of.

I never realized what a snob my aunt was, and not just that but her almost pathological obsession with her own self-perceived superiority and that of her children, never before have I been witness to a person bragging so much, and how she appeared to take delight in assassinating people's characters, including my own and my parents and even my grandmother (her own mother) of pointing out every flaw, which is basically anything that doesn't match her own specific way of seeing and doing things, basically it's her way or the wrong way.

Yeah, pretty much I strongly suspect that my aunt may be a psychopath, possibly bipolar, maybe both, because she sure changed her mind quick, she'd say one thing one day, and the next completely contradict it. I pointed this out to her, that she should say what she means and mean what she says, and she completely destroyed that too, saying there just words, don't be so firm, they are not final, nothing was in writing, and the spoken word has no finality, a person has a right to change there mind.

Anyway, I did not enjoy my time downtown, would never want to live there, is just too noisy, too hectic and busy. Even though T-cson is not that large of a city - it's no Chicago, which is even crazier with it's dark menacing skyscrapers and overwhelming sense of being alone and forsaken amidst a sea of concrete and hoodlum thugs and criminals and street people and trash, as downtown's goes, even though on somewhat of a smaller scale, it definitely had that busy downtown flow going for it that I realize I don't much care for. Strangely enough I always considered myself more of a city person than a small towner, but after my brief experience living downtown I found that I actually missed that rural slow pace that I had living on the edge of town, and realized I would have to return to it.

Monday, June 27, 2016

The Unfinished Puzzle


I bought this puzzle for my grandmother, because she was having some minor memory problems, and I hoped it would have a positive influence on her, that it would rejuvenate her brain power, stimulate her senses, and help her regain her memory...but a week later she had a stroke.

I wondered if she was overstimulated, but I'm told it must have just been a coincidence, that the puzzle did not trigger the stroke, that unbeknownst to all, because she hadn't had a doctors check up in a few years, her blood pressure and blood sugar levels were out of control, both major risk factors in having a stroke, that I guess she was a ticking time bomb, who looked perfectly well on the outside, easily 10 or 15 years younger than her age, but underneath the facade of youth death was rapidly eating her away.

She went from one day simply not remembering how to play bingo, to not knowing how to speak, not knowing how to read, write, or recognize faces, and eventually unable to move and unable to swallow. It was a very rapid decline, apparently a succession of strokes, each worse than the last, which destroyed her over a period of two months.

There are many other factors that I believe lead to her demise, particularly no one willing to foot the bill for specialized care, speech pathologist, etc., and also not getting to the hospital in time, because the early warning signs were missed, to receive medication that must be administered within a very narrow window of time to reverse the damage caused by the stroke, medication she never received because it was too late.

This is the puzzle she never finished, the puzzle I helped her with, a scene somewhere in the Italian Riviera, which I thought I'd finish for her if need be, but because of everything that has happened I was too distraught, and so the puzzle was dismantled and discarded along with most of our belongings, and this picture is the only record of it, because after she died I too in a way died and became homeless, completely at the mercy of family members that I soon realized couldn't care less about me, and blame me for not being prepared for this completely unforeseen event, for not having enough money saved or full-time employment to see me through this misfortune without needing help. Even though I provided hospice care, and saw every aspect of her decline up close, I changed diapers, I bathed a body that looked like a corpse, seeing the black tar blood in stools, hearing the death rattle, experiencing first hand all those ugly stages of dying, and will probably be traumatized by it for many years to come, and yet to them it's as if I did nothing.

People will thank you, act all appreciative for what you did, but the moment the issue of money comes up, of providing financial assistance to someone who provided end of life care for someone important to them, well suddenly what you did isn't so valuable after all and it's my own fault for not having more money saved. I suppose their right, but I never thought she was going to die, not yet, I really was thoroughly convinced that she was going to live to be 100, and that's what makes it so hard, I thought she was getting better, I thought she was going to recover. I was reading all about elderly people, people even older than her in their nineties, who recover from strokes, that it's not necessarily a death sentence, but in her case it was. No medication in time, no specialized care, family members that didn't want to get into debt over it, that they figure it was better to just let her go. And that's just what they did.

Now they got what they wanted, her out of the way interfering with their plans for her brothers inheritance, something I know they are finagling a way to cheat my mother and I out of. Once I get back on my feet I will be hiring a lawyer of my own to look into my crooked lawyer cousin and her wicked mothers mishandling of the estate, and believe me they will pay for what they did. You see my grandmother cried all the time about it, how her lawyer was ignoring her, not answering her questions, and her daughter, her lawyer's mother, had other plans for the property that conflicted with what my grandmother wanted, that I know that the stress she endured this past year from that alone was absolutely instrumental in her decline.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Update

My grief is beyond words. I may never fully recover from this tragedy.

How alone I feel even among people I know. How disappointed I feel with my family, how I expected them to be there for me, after suffering the shock of personally caring for and seeing a person I care for immensely deteriorate before my eyes, personally witnessing the process of dying when I thought there was hope for recovery, and now I find myself completely alone and in despair and hating the people I'm related to.

I'm just completely crushed. I could die. I cry and cry. Tears pour out of my eyes at all times of the day, thinking about it, what I could have done differently, what I could have done to save her. I'll never be the same. This is truly the beginning of the end.